New low: just hacked my moms facebook
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
