if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Randomize
