My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
