someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
