There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
