I feel like I'm in dance class right now
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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