you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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