Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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