I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you didnt know i had herpes?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
