DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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