why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize