This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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