I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
