Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Randomize
