we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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