my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize