woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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