I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
