Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
