Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
love makes seman taste better
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize