Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
