in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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