I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
he just fucked me for my cheese.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
