woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
we should paint friendship bongs
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize