At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
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