how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
