My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
