tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
