im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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