You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Drake has all the answers
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize