My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize