dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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