i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
