just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My bed smells like the plague
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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