I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
