the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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