I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
