Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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