So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
