My friends, they love my intelligence
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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