her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
