It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
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