i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
