i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
