I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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