It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
