Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
