I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
