All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
