I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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