I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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