bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
