Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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