I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i think i just lost a toe
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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