I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
