I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
