i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
