Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize