she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize