I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize