I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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