If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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