He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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